There is a horrible virus on my computer that has taken some access away from me, I cannot do any system restores or open any anti-vir. programs. I cannot find my windows reinstall disc, is there any other hope for this computer out there?
Sincerely csodar
Dear csodar,
Who the fuck do you think I am? Some kind of personal tech support? Does my Ph.D. read “Geek Squad”? No, my friend, I have a Ph.D. in reeming douchenozzels like yourself. Go bring your whore computer to the nearest Best Buy and let them solve the problem. I’ve got other peoples problems to solve to help rid the world of supid people, like yourself.
Seriously, go fuck yourself.
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Dear Dr. Mrs. Whatsername
I asked you for help back a few months ago, the girl who had been stalking me since 8th grade without my knowledge? Well, we’ve been going out since February, and I’m completely at a loss for what to do. Even now I catch her hanging around outside my window a few nights out of the week, she found out about the police on speed dial on my phone and deleted it. She knows when and where I am at all times and makes no bones about letting me know about it. She’s managed to keep 2 steps ahead of me in the crazy department.
However other than her obsessive, strange behavior things have been going great. She got me this great, discontinued hoodie from my favorite band for our 2 month anniversary, my parents and friends love her(granted they still don’t know about the stalking), and as the result of her hanging around outside my house at night she’s managed to scare off the raccoons that had been going through our garbage all the time. What should I do Whatsername??
Dear Confused in Chigago,
So you came back for more advice, huh? Why me of all people? Did I really help you out that much to begin with? Then thats great…I guess if you’re into that happy love shit.
Reading your current delima, it seems that you may have a serial killer on your hands. This is the same wacky shit you see on those shows like Criminal Minds and Law & Order (man, I love those shows, especially when they include some really fucked up stories where the woman just snaps and sends her husband through a woodchipper). I would recommend NOT hanging out with her alone…try to keep going out in well populated areas, maybe get her a nifty little ankle from the police that track those house arrest folks…or you can implant a tracker into her like they do with the dogs from the pound. I’m sure they have an app for that, don’t you Steve “I mastubate with money” Jobs? About the gifts – yeah, I know it’s a fantastic thing getting all this awesome swag but maybe if you want her to lay off, get her some really batshit insane gifts…maybe some bacon perfume? Girls like meat products, right? Whatever you do, DO NOT get her any sort of ring looking jewelry, she may get all hormonal and think you intend to be with her forever. Whatever you do, DO NOT set of her biological clock!!!
Kid, there comes a time in ever boys life where he needs to sacrifice getting laid for the safety of his own testicular region. To quote The Oblongs, “bitch gotta go”.
Don’t rent any heavy machinery…
Dr. Mrs. Whatsername
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Would YOU like to receive horrible personal, professional, and social advice? If so, send your questions over to the good Doctor at
drmrswhatsername@gmail.com, or you can stop on by the Clockwork Island Community!